My Conversion...

So this is not like my normal posts. There is no issue, no dilemma in the world of mine I want to share, or random facts/rants about my life. Today, I was just caught up in the beauty all around me that it made me realize the blessings I have daily, and how my testimony has been strengthened.





I did not grow up in the church exactly. My family attended now and then and when we did attend it was only for sacrament. We were on the "in-active" list and the church thought of multiple ways on how to get us to come, and 90% of the idea dealt with sports. haha...




But I always enjoyed attending church. I remember on Sunday's getting ready by myself at the age of 6 or 7 and having my mom iron my dress so I could call my grandma Pat who would pick me up and take me to church with her. On those days I got to attend primary. I was terrified to be around kids who sang of the temple (when I had no idea what that was), and of families being together, (when mine wasn't exactly). But I made a friend during that time, Katie Sheffield, who I thought was this crazy and loud, blond haired girl, and I was the quite odd looking hispanic child. But every time I went I hated being asked if I was visiting or new. It bothered me that the teacher didn't know me or who I was, and that made me feel alone.




At the age of 8 though, I had been going to church with my family and right before I turned 9 that year, I was baptized in August 2000, as the newest member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints... I remember all the feeling I had as after I was baptized, my Grandma Pat spoke, we sang I am a Child of God, and the primary presidency spoke about the new step I was taking in my life. I recall going to Wendy's afterwards to eat, where my great-grandmother Dorothy gave me my first journal... In there I wrote my feelings and what it was like to have the spirit. I remember wanting to do it again 'cause the feeling was so "cool".... To be young and clean and pure, is such a blessing we don't understand that we then start into the hardest phases of our life in middle school/high school and without proper guidance they can become so rapidly unclean, it's scary...


After being baptized I stopped attending church... No missionaries came by to check on us, nor did any of my primary presidency. I still don't understand why to this day, but I'm sure there was a good reason, I hope... Well I started to attend middle school, and I didn't hang out with a bad group, but my life was filled with heartache and torment everyday... I would come home crying on how much I hated life. Girls were mean. And I was the type of girl that did not crave guy attention. I loved acting, and playing sports. But as a middle school aged girl, that just sometimes does not fit the status quo. So from 6th-7th grade I was miserable and because of that, I was not nice, like I wanted to be towards others.... I however, had a desire to be someone I wasn't. Someone good and of worth! I would ask my parents if I could skip basketball practice to attend mutual, (because the times conflicted), but if anyone knows my family, you will know sports are our life! So I was denied the request to attend beehives and mia maids, and was made sure that I attended my practices to uphold my team responsibilities and starting spot. But I still wanted something more... I can recall my 8th grade summer before entering into high school. It was my last year of little league and I looooved playing softball. However we had a tournament on Memorial Day weekend and my team made it to the championship game, which was to be played Sunday afternoon. I remember making the decision right then, that I would be attending church instead (at this point in my life I was kind of attending more often). This decision shocked my family. No one agreed with my choice except my aunt Holly... I felt alone and denied, by my own blood. But I have never once regretted that decision. My team won, and I got to partake of the Sacrament and blessings that day, for keeping the Sabbath day holy...


Now let's fast forward... In high school I did not attend church on Sundays, but I was forced by older friends in the Laurels to attend mutual and Stake Dances... Now I know everyone hates Stake Dances... But this is where my life was changed.... I would be at home, doing homework or listening to music, watching TV, etc. When I would hear a knock on my door. Then I'd hear my mom say "yeah. Come in"... And girls from my ward would come in and demand I get ready to go to the dance with them. This happened several times! Well, one halloween dance I got a random visit from my friends, and was supposed to get a halloween costume on for this dance. So as usual, I put on my go-to outfit... Boston Red Sox player! haha... That night I met someone who had a major impact on my testimony and conversion.


I was so infatuated with this person from the start that I was wanting to be a "good mormon girl" just to be worthy of dating him. So I attended church, and started paying attention. As our relationship became more deep and less shallow and time became longer, he started to attend church with me at my family ward so I would not have to attend alone. I don't think anyone saw that side of him except me. He attend his own ward, then would drive 20 mins just to sit with me, (and literally just sit with me, 'cause we all know I hate PDA, ESPECIALLY in church!) He did this until my family start attending in 2009, with me. I will forever be grateful for his example and kindness in doing such a thing for me...


Through all this time I had different views on the church. First off, if anyone knew me back then, they would know that I was such a feminist! And things like the men only holding the priesthood, mothers staying home to take care of children, etc. was just such a 40's and 50's idea, that I refused to be apart of it! I wanted to attend school in California somewhere and I wanted to be a successful event planner or athletic trainer, and not a stay at home mom! But I was young and did not have an understanding of what the intent was behind it. I also had a hard time with temple marriage and how families could only be together forever through that. My family was not sealed together in the temple so the thought that after my parents or anyone of us left this earth, and would not be bound together for eternity hurt me. To say the least I just had a rough time seeing eye to eye with things because I was such an independent person and very stubborn and set in my ways.... 

But by my end of Junior year, beginning of Senior year in high school I had learned so much about the church and my testimony was growing that I was addicted to the feeling of joy I had from the gospel and wanted to be surrounded by it 24/7. So I applied to BYU and BYU-Idaho.

THIS is where my life starts to change and my conversion comes into play...




I was denied acceptance into BYU and thought life was over. I got the email at 6:00 in the morning before school and was crying so hard my mother let me miss school to mourn the whole day... haha (It's funny now!)... But then I received my acceptance to BYU-Idaho and had a HUGE decision to make... Leave my amazing family and boyfriend for a school 14 hours and 800 miles away... or stay and attend UNM but not attend a church school... I made the rough decision of moving to eastern Idaho. Land of farms, hills, and did I mention farms??? (I literally crossed the Idaho border and asked my parents "are you really going to leave me here?????" It was green farm hills and that was IT!)


But my first semester I met Catherine Hecht and Whitney Cerveny. I immediately thought "these girls are saints!"... I felt unworthy and so low about attending a school with such amazing people. How on earth did I compare?... After short great bonds formed I quickly realized Heavenly Father has a plan and NOTHING is a coincidence! These girls and I had very similar trials that Heavenly Father knew we would need each other to help go through it.


Well my first semester was hell to say the least!... I even left school a week early, moved out of my apartment 2 weeks early, and swore up and down I was NEVER EVER coming back to this place!!! I was set on going back to UNM... Well time came again for my next semester at BYU-Idaho and it was 2 days before classes started. I was planning on driving up with my aunt, uncle, and cousins to Idaho and start school that semester. But I didn't want to. So that night I went to bed with everyone happy I was planning on staying and becoming a Lobo... BUT! I woke up the next morning and had the most awful feeling like I was making a big mistake. I woke up crying because I knew what I HAD to do, but didn't WANT to do it... So I simply told my mom "I'm going back to Rexburg..." She was shocked and sad, but trusted my decision... So we packed all my stuff and loaded the car in 3 hours!! And off we drove!!! (I didn't even say bye to my dad cause he was at work! That's how fast it was!)


That semester.... wow.... I experienced the atonement so strongly and exercised my faith in God and Jesus Christ so much it was crazy! (I will not go into detail or describe events on what happened because the experience is between me and my Heavenly Father)... But I made a decision to put my worldly life on hold during this time, and my family was not happy with this, (most likely because they had not had their true conversion and did not truly understand what I was doing). I disappointed people and altered mine and another's life... But I made my Heavenly Father the most happiest I have ever made him and although I was the saddest, I was also the happiest at this time...


Here I realized that I needed to give up 3 months of my life to refocus on who I was... a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father... I made mistakes and did not live up to the expectations I knew I could achieve. I needed a clean slate and I got it...


Let me give you a peak into my thoughts. I knew I had disappointed my parents and they were sad, but I thought I disappointed my Heavenly Father more because he watched me make every mistake and what I thought was crazy was that I was only one of an infinite amount of children who have made him sad and an infinite amount of people who have allowed Christ to take on this pain for me, because of my sins. I felt ashamed and sad and mixed with so many emotions. I wanted to be one less individual Heavenly Father had to worry about. I wanted him to look at me and smile because He knew I was doing right by him. So I got myself together.


Everything has a purpose. From those you meet and room with, those you date and have heartache with, those you stumble by and give service to you and you service to them. It's all part of a plan and a lesson. Our trials are not meant to sadden us, weaken us, or have us with doubt. 

When I went through my "trial" in my first year in college I recalled upon a quote by Richard G. Scott that said,

 "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everylasting benefit.” 

     I knew Heavenly Father knew I could handle it. It was going to be difficult and hard. I was told that at one point I would want to give up. But I also knew that it would be worth it, and that if Heavenly Father could give me such an experience he knew I could overcome it and be happy. I also knew He must love me a lot to give me such an experience! haha 'Cause boy was it difficult. But never once did I want to throw in the towel!

      I am eternally grateful and indebted to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. At 21 years of age they have already done so much. And I know much is still in store. And although I made stupid and heart aching mistakes, it was the way in which I gained my testimony. Because of it happening in such a unique way, I have been able to help others, understand them more, not pass judgement, and understand the atonement isn't just for redeeming of sin, but also for comfort we may seek when someone else's sin hurts us.

      I know the experiences I have had will continue to be a reminder to me of where I was, and where I am going. Those experiences/trials will one day help my marriage and family. Until then, they just keep me wanting to fight the great fight. And when things don't seem easy, I know it could be worse. I'm amazed at how far I have come and I am amazed at how the Lord's hand was in my life EVERY step of the way!

      I used to be a lost little girl. Searching for something more, something deep, something to believe in. Now I have found it and want to tell all who are willing to listen!!!!! I want those who are lost, hurt, or afflicted like I was to come unto the fold and partake in this glorious gospel and know there is hope and there is more to this life, and it all has a purpose. 

   

If you've read this far I am amazed! hahaha... My longest post thus far! But I felt it was needed to express and show just a little of me, and my conversion. I just want to close (like any church talk would) haha, with quoting the song that reminds me so much of this time of my life... 

"Because I have been given much, I too must give; Because of thy great bounty, Lord, each day I live. I shall divide my gifts from thee, with every brother that I see who has the need of help from me."

We all have been given much. So much. So in return we should share our experiences whether they be triumphs or failures, so that they might be able to help someone else in return. 

   If anything I hope my lessons and experiences can help someone. If not today I know one day it will. There is a purpose for it all... And we are blessed!